I am not happy!

Overwhelmingly depressed I am at this very moment! Failed myself, fooled myself, threw myself out of the bus…. left myself hanging amongst the hecticly frustrating demotivating and killing life… Am I even this close in describing how I feel now? NOOO!

In short, I am sad. The moment when you’re up to something very important and deep inside you know that you are fully capable of tackling it and fully trust that you will blow away whoever is saying that you won’t succeed; you’re simply confident that you will excel and you walk towards that thing with your head held up and high and  then you stumble ,,,,my dear, you desperately need to reconsider your credentials!

Not only this. Also, when some good people around you have faith in you, look up at you as their model and their model and have their acquaintances and relatives role by your model, and then ,,, just like that, you fail. You failed to prove that you are the best again to them. You failed to prove that you rock and nothing can stand in your face. You failed to preserve their image of the great excellent hard-working individual who’s spent his entire life so far craving excellence and being the best at everything. And still, this does not change the fact that you simply failed. How could I ever retrieve that self acceptance and satisfaction again?

I am horrible, growing self-hating, very very demotivated and agonised of myself. I failed myself.
But, why on earth did that even happen ?,…

Why on earth did things turn so awfully wrong and freaking bad like that? .

It was a simple speaking session … speaking,.,.,. talking with sometime limit and expressing you thoughts and opinions on something! Just that. Just another conversation, but for the sake of a mark.
NOO. It wasn’t just that. I failed to enjoy the conversation, to understand some stupid topic, some crucial matter, I failed to answer properly, to manage my time, perfectly, I failed myself together, to cheer myself up,,,, I failed to impress me, in short.

Yes. The examiner was the whole session upset. I never did upset an examiner, a host, an interviewer or anyone I get the chance to speak to. Yet I did upset her! Well done!

The whole time she was giving me the impression of dissatisfaction. She wasn’t happy! her facial expressions said it all!

And as I left, her goodbye was horribly blaming me ,,, what the heck was that about ,, what have you just done ,,, what and what and what and why. Uh, my heart is aching me now.

that was indeed a slap in the face!

I have always been the one to carry out successfully anything ,, when someone is in trouble,  it was me to to provide THE ADVICE and support people at everything… When there was an important occasion, I was the one to stand up infront of the crowds and speak, get the attention, impress people with my fluency and on top, prove to myself that I am successful, and only now, I feel that I am completely dragged into the pitch dark depths of lost. I am completely lost. I feel disgusted at myself.

this is not me ,,,no not me ,, I don’t wish to press rewind and turn back the hands of time “here I am singing Rihanna’s” and change what is now A PAST. No. I can never change that,

All I can do now is living with this guilt.

It’s never been easy overcoming a depressing incident and putting yourself together again. I know I cannot change this fact, reality now ,,, and I will have to suck it up and live with it.

And now, as I am uploading this unfortunate encounter here, my phone rings and it’s mom, the super adviser and unique mom, checking on me and keeping track of this amazing day! And I simply broke down. Her voice hence comes to comfort me and tell me that I did my best and all will be ok.

Ok…. yes,, it’s another unlucky hour, unsuccessful day and it’ll pass by and vanish away. Will it be ok.. will it? Yes,,, mom, it will be ok. Have faith and confidence in yourself and it shall be ok 🙂 But mom…. 😦

She hung up,,, take care and be happy! Ok,,, mom,, ok.

Now, I need to calm down, to wear that smile again and try to rejoice, to make myself happy, as I always do. I need to kick away this negative does of pessimism and fill my lungs with fresh air. This session is already gone,, and the others are yet to come.

……………………………………………………………………

It’ll be good ,,, it’ll be ok ,,, I guess. What worst could come next? worst than letting yourself down and not giving your best? What could that be?

What could that be?

I am not happy now, but,,, I’ll try to BE.

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